The hardest part is crying with no one around
When you just feel so alone
So alone. So abandoned.
All you want to do is reach out.
Have someone hold you.
Have her hear you. Love you.
But she's not coming back.
She's far gone.
She's far too gone.
You fought like you were at war.
Just so much hostility.
It broke your heart, you were just so hurt.
So pain turned to ache.
Ache turned to rage.
Rage turned into desolate sobbing.
Sobbing, turned into screaming, whaling, weeping.
The depression is the worst.
You just want someone to want to be there.
Finding it hard to even want to reach out.
But the isolation is starving you.
You barely eat.
You don't want to eat.
You want to wither away.
To not exist.
You lay in bed, and take sleeping as a gift
But when you wake in the dark
You try to imagine her face.
Remember all that was
But as you lay there, you try to block it out
block out her face
Block out the pain.
Try to go back to sleep
But possessed with pain
Not the kind you can fix with just medications.
Not with a good music, radical tunes
Not even kind works dull the ache
There just isn't words.
To truly describe how I feel
I find ways to keep me busy
Fight for ways to make something come of this
Something positive.
Just wish this would kill me.
Rip my heart out of my chest.
Leave me for dead.
But that's the best part.
I can't die yet.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Monday, November 11, 2013
Vixens Vipers Heretics
Vixens Vipers
Heretics”
So let me show you
hypocrisy
Lies, disguised as truth, behind their eyes you see
These Quote-unquote “Christian girls” That spew misdirection
Spreading an infection, of romantic distraction
Little girls, playing dress up as women of God, pretending
to Play church, as they totally forgot, what they were sending
The wrong signals. Facebook statuses, laced in scripture
That were injected with falsehood and a deadly nasty, gruesome mixture
Lies, disguised as truth, behind their eyes you see
These Quote-unquote “Christian girls” That spew misdirection
Spreading an infection, of romantic distraction
Little girls, playing dress up as women of God, pretending
to Play church, as they totally forgot, what they were sending
The wrong signals. Facebook statuses, laced in scripture
That were injected with falsehood and a deadly nasty, gruesome mixture
So let me show you
heresy
As men of God lie so fervently
As they speak not with their words but actions instead
As they claim to be oracles of God but spiritually they’re dead
These supposed “Men of God” nothing more than husks
Who are nothing but vile fleshlings from their dawn until their dusk
I am speaking about the Vixens, the vipers, and you heretics
Who would so eagerly display the cross, yet burn the crucifix
Why can’t you see by you being on the fence
That you are causing so much harm leaving none with a defense
Can’t you see, the living word is supposed to breathe life into the corpses
Not be spoken and disregarded by your relative forces
If we can’t put loving God and people before our Dogma, we’ve missed the point of the scripture
And if we’ve missed the point of what our faith is found upon, why would we ever consider us to have an understanding that’s clear?
Have we not paid attention to what was written?
It’s not by law or circumcision
It’s not by you or I
By works, appearances or any of that, it doesn’t on it’s own fly.
We can’t go back to what we were, who we were and what we are
Should reflect the perfect gift given to us by our Lord, the maker of the stars
The lover of our souls, the master of the universe.
Who loves us regardless of our best and worst
But instead we allow ourselves this putridity,
With bogus rationalities
Emissaries of “light”? But instead you indulge your vulgar delication
As you preach a gospel of peace, yet spread division
There is a disease that has taken place to rot
That has devoured you, every single thing you claimed that you are not
To see someone you look down upon doing the work of your God, it kills you
It’s filth like you that has hatred that rots your soul, it’s true.
Where is your honor? Where is your sword?
Would you lay down your life? Lay it down for your Lord?
As men of God lie so fervently
As they speak not with their words but actions instead
As they claim to be oracles of God but spiritually they’re dead
These supposed “Men of God” nothing more than husks
Who are nothing but vile fleshlings from their dawn until their dusk
I am speaking about the Vixens, the vipers, and you heretics
Who would so eagerly display the cross, yet burn the crucifix
Why can’t you see by you being on the fence
That you are causing so much harm leaving none with a defense
Can’t you see, the living word is supposed to breathe life into the corpses
Not be spoken and disregarded by your relative forces
If we can’t put loving God and people before our Dogma, we’ve missed the point of the scripture
And if we’ve missed the point of what our faith is found upon, why would we ever consider us to have an understanding that’s clear?
Have we not paid attention to what was written?
It’s not by law or circumcision
It’s not by you or I
By works, appearances or any of that, it doesn’t on it’s own fly.
We can’t go back to what we were, who we were and what we are
Should reflect the perfect gift given to us by our Lord, the maker of the stars
The lover of our souls, the master of the universe.
Who loves us regardless of our best and worst
But instead we allow ourselves this putridity,
With bogus rationalities
Emissaries of “light”? But instead you indulge your vulgar delication
As you preach a gospel of peace, yet spread division
There is a disease that has taken place to rot
That has devoured you, every single thing you claimed that you are not
To see someone you look down upon doing the work of your God, it kills you
It’s filth like you that has hatred that rots your soul, it’s true.
Where is your honor? Where is your sword?
Would you lay down your life? Lay it down for your Lord?
It’s true, I
harbor hatred too, but I don’t allow it to take me
Instead I write to you all, as a warning against apathy
A warning against the rot of the wicked
Of those amongst us that are dangerous and twisted tormented
But I write to you, you vixens vipers and you heretics.
Let’s forget the church politics
Set aside our differences,
For a moment, please, just drop your defenses
I know you are hurting, I know you think you are doing what is right
But look at the pain you cause, look at the damage you’ve down, if not, now I’m shedding some light
This fight you’ve fought has done so much detrimental harm.
If you knew the damages extent would you of even extended your arms?
Instead I write to you all, as a warning against apathy
A warning against the rot of the wicked
Of those amongst us that are dangerous and twisted tormented
But I write to you, you vixens vipers and you heretics.
Let’s forget the church politics
Set aside our differences,
For a moment, please, just drop your defenses
I know you are hurting, I know you think you are doing what is right
But look at the pain you cause, look at the damage you’ve down, if not, now I’m shedding some light
This fight you’ve fought has done so much detrimental harm.
If you knew the damages extent would you of even extended your arms?
Lifted a finger in
aid?
Look at this mess we’ve made.
Listen I know you’re hurting, But you can’t do this on your own
There’s a way to do this, a way maybe you weren’t shown.
But you can’t continue to do this half way, it will only bring death
And where there is death there will always be death. So stop this you wretch!
Unity! Revival! Life! These are the things we need
The things you fail to heed
You play a game yet fail to cooperate with the team
And only condone theology that’s “suitable” that you’d deem
Acceptable. My Jesus flipped tables, walked on water,
Called out serpents like you, you liars
He Loved harlots, provided the drinks at parties
And now His reach extends over the seas.
You see the problem isn’t the people, it’s this “churched” culture
This whole thing of which would make my Jesus irate I’m sure.
This whole thing was designed on the foundation of something simple
That goes beyond, steeples, people, and a temple
Goes beyond the capacity that our stupid governments can ever design
Something so simple that it’s intricately divine.
It’s love. We gotta LOVE people, regardless of how they look
Regardless of what they smell like, or what they took
whether they are black or white,
Love. It’s what a good man once called, the good fight.
So if you can put loving God, and people above our Dogma, then you’ll realize what’s so crucial
The same reason God can love you, is that every person is special.
And it’s ok if you lost that detail, it’s alright, this isn’t retail.
But a God so infinite sent His son to die for that person you hate
So never again dare to speak ill of them or their fate.
Look at this mess we’ve made.
Listen I know you’re hurting, But you can’t do this on your own
There’s a way to do this, a way maybe you weren’t shown.
But you can’t continue to do this half way, it will only bring death
And where there is death there will always be death. So stop this you wretch!
Unity! Revival! Life! These are the things we need
The things you fail to heed
You play a game yet fail to cooperate with the team
And only condone theology that’s “suitable” that you’d deem
Acceptable. My Jesus flipped tables, walked on water,
Called out serpents like you, you liars
He Loved harlots, provided the drinks at parties
And now His reach extends over the seas.
You see the problem isn’t the people, it’s this “churched” culture
This whole thing of which would make my Jesus irate I’m sure.
This whole thing was designed on the foundation of something simple
That goes beyond, steeples, people, and a temple
Goes beyond the capacity that our stupid governments can ever design
Something so simple that it’s intricately divine.
It’s love. We gotta LOVE people, regardless of how they look
Regardless of what they smell like, or what they took
whether they are black or white,
Love. It’s what a good man once called, the good fight.
So if you can put loving God, and people above our Dogma, then you’ll realize what’s so crucial
The same reason God can love you, is that every person is special.
And it’s ok if you lost that detail, it’s alright, this isn’t retail.
But a God so infinite sent His son to die for that person you hate
So never again dare to speak ill of them or their fate.
Monday, September 9, 2013
TRENDS
My newest piece written for spoken word.
Lets step back into the past
And how I seemed to grow up all so fast
My first rhymes, where these lines
“What is that smell, is it the ones we missed
The ones lost to hell?”
I Scratched them into my walls, like colors through and through
They were the words of the called, by God the One True
So now I aim to paint with words, your mind would be canvas
and I’m hoping your soul would buy this
because the bliss of it all was simplest
I had words, and those words they had me
But step into the future, I was blind and couldn’t see
I started off with a purpose
And now this distance
Has made me lose focus
as if that wasn’t bad enough know this
That I STARTED THIS to reach the lost
And now I am selling my talent for a cost
No BETTER THAN A WHORE who sold her soul
And I play my part like a damned fool
So let’s set aside the trends
Forget these means to an end
Because the boy who wanted to move mountains with words
Has sacrificed it so that he can be more easily heard
The easy path. The one of least resistance
WHAT ABOUT PERSISTENCE
FIGHTING, STRIVING, PURSUING YOUR CALL
Why would you ever consider to let yourself down and fall
“GET UP, STOP! DON’T DO IT! It’s hard and I just can’t do it anymore”
Now you listen to me, you were born to be a champion Pick yourself off the floor
More than conquerors! Undefeated
Victorious! To be seated near where the kings feet is!
Not in chairs of gold but on our knees, Because that’s where the victory is see?
So let me ask you, how much do you belong to
The one you CLAIM you love and serve!?
What is it that you deserved!?
WHY have you forsaken your call
And sacrificed what’s most precious of all!?
I stand in the mirror disgusted, because I see me and not YOU!
I need you to replace me, with your spirit and make me New
Because this carcass. This ripped shell has taken all it can
Now Lord I’m tired of being the same old man
I want to give you all that I am but I don’t know how
I’m desperate for you to change me now
I just want to be made new
Lord Please. Replace me with You.
“Trends”
I stand and stare, into the mirror
Nor out of desperation or fear
But in midst of me drawing near
But not from here to there
But within the depths of this stare
I stand amidst the foggy glass fully aware
Of my current crisis of this brokenness
Between the staging floor and the ceilings stares
I stand truly disgusted with myself greatly.
This passion burdening me heavily
As I stare myself into the eyes I don’t cry or sigh
But I contemplate to myself, what it means to die
To sacrifice the depths of my life
Not to a knife or some kind of pointless strife
To be set apart to a concept, turn over that proverbial new leaf
To stand TRUE to my convictions and beliefs
To an ideal, of something not of myself but of something known
Whether it be from a low blow, or some form of unknown flow
I wish to stand to stand in the gaps of my lost fellows.
Inside my head I hear the jarring phrase
Of which ever increasingly the hammer raised
Slams down into my mind
To only find the question that binds
To my conscious thought process
That attains my utter true and complete focus
That question that rings loudly behind
The doors of my mind.
That screams, relentlessly unendingly
To potentially the depths of my soul
To face me, my greatest foe
It rings out, “How much do you belong to this God
That you claim that you love and serve”
How it struck me, how wrongly have I trod
and how desperately hellfire I deserve.
Take it back in the day
When I was a kid and would say
“I LOVE JESUS” claiming to be a sponge
Before the dirt and the grunge
Before I gave myself to a genre that was unforgiving
Replacing a savior so willing to pardon my striving
That’s more than willing to not let me live alone
More than willing to let His blood, my sin atone
Take me back way back when I wanted to go to Bible school
And the ministers on the stage were the ones that were cool
When I saw the blind eyes that were opened
And the widow that seemed hopeless still hopin’
TAKE ME BACK to those days
When I would say
“Lord use me! Whatever it may be!
USE ME! To set the Captives free!”
I stand and stare, into the mirror
Nor out of desperation or fear
But in midst of me drawing near
But not from here to there
But within the depths of this stare
I stand amidst the foggy glass fully aware
Of my current crisis of this brokenness
Between the staging floor and the ceilings stares
I stand truly disgusted with myself greatly.
This passion burdening me heavily
As I stare myself into the eyes I don’t cry or sigh
But I contemplate to myself, what it means to die
To sacrifice the depths of my life
Not to a knife or some kind of pointless strife
To be set apart to a concept, turn over that proverbial new leaf
To stand TRUE to my convictions and beliefs
To an ideal, of something not of myself but of something known
Whether it be from a low blow, or some form of unknown flow
I wish to stand to stand in the gaps of my lost fellows.
Inside my head I hear the jarring phrase
Of which ever increasingly the hammer raised
Slams down into my mind
To only find the question that binds
To my conscious thought process
That attains my utter true and complete focus
That question that rings loudly behind
The doors of my mind.
That screams, relentlessly unendingly
To potentially the depths of my soul
To face me, my greatest foe
It rings out, “How much do you belong to this God
That you claim that you love and serve”
How it struck me, how wrongly have I trod
and how desperately hellfire I deserve.
Take it back in the day
When I was a kid and would say
“I LOVE JESUS” claiming to be a sponge
Before the dirt and the grunge
Before I gave myself to a genre that was unforgiving
Replacing a savior so willing to pardon my striving
That’s more than willing to not let me live alone
More than willing to let His blood, my sin atone
Take me back way back when I wanted to go to Bible school
And the ministers on the stage were the ones that were cool
When I saw the blind eyes that were opened
And the widow that seemed hopeless still hopin’
TAKE ME BACK to those days
When I would say
“Lord use me! Whatever it may be!
USE ME! To set the Captives free!”
Lets step back into the past
And how I seemed to grow up all so fast
My first rhymes, where these lines
“What is that smell, is it the ones we missed
The ones lost to hell?”
I Scratched them into my walls, like colors through and through
They were the words of the called, by God the One True
So now I aim to paint with words, your mind would be canvas
and I’m hoping your soul would buy this
because the bliss of it all was simplest
I had words, and those words they had me
But step into the future, I was blind and couldn’t see
I started off with a purpose
And now this distance
Has made me lose focus
as if that wasn’t bad enough know this
That I STARTED THIS to reach the lost
And now I am selling my talent for a cost
No BETTER THAN A WHORE who sold her soul
And I play my part like a damned fool
So let’s set aside the trends
Forget these means to an end
Because the boy who wanted to move mountains with words
Has sacrificed it so that he can be more easily heard
The easy path. The one of least resistance
WHAT ABOUT PERSISTENCE
FIGHTING, STRIVING, PURSUING YOUR CALL
Why would you ever consider to let yourself down and fall
“GET UP, STOP! DON’T DO IT! It’s hard and I just can’t do it anymore”
Now you listen to me, you were born to be a champion Pick yourself off the floor
More than conquerors! Undefeated
Victorious! To be seated near where the kings feet is!
Not in chairs of gold but on our knees, Because that’s where the victory is see?
So let me ask you, how much do you belong to
The one you CLAIM you love and serve!?
What is it that you deserved!?
WHY have you forsaken your call
And sacrificed what’s most precious of all!?
I stand in the mirror disgusted, because I see me and not YOU!
I need you to replace me, with your spirit and make me New
Because this carcass. This ripped shell has taken all it can
Now Lord I’m tired of being the same old man
I want to give you all that I am but I don’t know how
I’m desperate for you to change me now
I just want to be made new
Lord Please. Replace me with You.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Will
"Will"
We live in this world
We live in this world
Where emotions are so taboo
Where the sensitive are deemed weak
Just because we feel
I don't think its weak to feel.
To be open with how I feel takes courage.
To continue to feel even when it hurts,
Takes true valor
We live in this world
Where not fighting back is wrong.
Yet how come when you don't fight back,
The mighty attacker will eventually lose interest and leave
I don't think it's weak to not fight,
To allow shot after shot to be taken, takes strength.
To not raise a hand in defense,
Takes true fortitude
We live in the world
Where if you are being kind for the sake of kindness,
You aren't really genuine and are looking for something.
And are called out by the beasts saying, "you aren't a man".
Where the sensitive are deemed weak
Just because we feel
I don't think its weak to feel.
To be open with how I feel takes courage.
To continue to feel even when it hurts,
Takes true valor
We live in this world
Where not fighting back is wrong.
Yet how come when you don't fight back,
The mighty attacker will eventually lose interest and leave
I don't think it's weak to not fight,
To allow shot after shot to be taken, takes strength.
To not raise a hand in defense,
Takes true fortitude
We live in the world
Where if you are being kind for the sake of kindness,
You aren't really genuine and are looking for something.
And are called out by the beasts saying, "you aren't a man".
I don't think I am weak for being kind,
To stand for reason and justice takes heart.
To not turn a blind eye,
Just means I have a soul.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Dessert Walks At Night
"Dessert Walks At Night"
I've been spending alot of time to myself lately
Not much too much
But enough to feel alone
Enough to feel separated
Enough to feel abandoned
Enough to feel lost
I start a new job today
Not just financially
But a job of watching my own back
The task was left to me when you left
Ya know, you, myself, when I moved
Moved to a new place to try and find feet
To stand on and to learn to breathe
The breath of responsibility
And become a man.
I took this opportunity to move forward.
But it's hard to not look back when you are alone
Its kinda scary when you look around and you see darkness
No light to be find, no lamp to guide you home
I just hope I made the right choice
I hope I become a better man
Please if you read this, if you see this
Don't worry too much
But I still need you in my life
We all need friends, and I feel like I don't have any.
I've been spending alot of time to myself lately
Not much too much
But enough to feel alone
Enough to feel separated
Enough to feel abandoned
Enough to feel lost
I start a new job today
Not just financially
But a job of watching my own back
The task was left to me when you left
Ya know, you, myself, when I moved
Moved to a new place to try and find feet
To stand on and to learn to breathe
The breath of responsibility
And become a man.
I took this opportunity to move forward.
But it's hard to not look back when you are alone
Its kinda scary when you look around and you see darkness
No light to be find, no lamp to guide you home
I just hope I made the right choice
I hope I become a better man
Please if you read this, if you see this
Don't worry too much
But I still need you in my life
We all need friends, and I feel like I don't have any.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Pitch Black
"Pitch Black"
WHY AM I BLEEDING SO DEEPLY
WHY AM I BLEEDING SO DEEPLY
Why does it hurt so bad
I just don't understand any of this
I can't stop crying
I can't stop hurting
I cry out to my God to reach down to me
Yet I still weep
She says its a conscious choice
But I am not consciously choosing to hurt so fiercely
This grief has over taken me
And I am fighting so desperately
to just get away from this
To just survive another night
But I just can't stop crying
Damn fucking eyes won't stop
The pain just is so deep
And I don't know how to cope
They say every poet needs a cause.
We believed God introduced us
Was it so I can have a reason to write
Or so that I can feel a pain that I can help others by relating
But I just can't stop hurting
Damn fucking heart won't start
Just so stagnant
And I just don't know what to do to cope
They say there is no art without pain
But I think that's a lie
I wish it was a lie.
Doesn't seem to be a lie
How can I expell all this toxin called sorrow
When sorrow is what I mostly know
I want to be happy!
Not trapped a partner unto sorrow
You once promised me that you'd follow me into the dark
Well here I am..... Where are you?
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