Friday, August 30, 2013

Will

"Will"

We live in this world 
Where emotions are so taboo
Where the sensitive are deemed weak
Just because we feel

I don't think its weak to feel.
To be open with how I feel takes courage.
To continue to feel even when it hurts,
Takes true valor

We live in this world
Where not fighting back is wrong.
Yet how come when you don't fight back,
The mighty attacker will eventually lose interest and leave

I don't think it's weak to not fight,
To allow shot after shot to be taken, takes strength.
To not raise a hand in defense,
Takes true fortitude

We live in the world
Where if you are being kind for the sake of kindness,
You aren't really genuine and are looking for something.
And are called out by the beasts saying, "you aren't a man".

I don't think I am weak for being kind,
To stand for reason and justice takes heart.
To not turn a blind eye,
Just means I have a soul.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Dessert Walks At Night

"Dessert Walks At Night"

I've been spending alot of time  to myself lately
Not much too much
But enough to feel alone
Enough to feel separated
Enough to feel abandoned
Enough to feel lost


I start a new job today
Not just financially
But a job of watching my own back
The task was left to me when you left
Ya know, you, myself, when I moved
Moved to a new place to try and find feet
To stand on and to learn to breathe
The breath of responsibility
And become a man.


I took this opportunity to move forward.
But it's hard to not look back when you are alone
Its kinda scary when you look around and you see darkness
No light to be find, no lamp to guide you home
I just hope I made the right choice
I hope I become a better man


Please if you read this, if you see this
Don't worry too much
But I still need you in my life
We all need friends, and I feel like I don't have any.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Pitch Black

"Pitch Black"
WHY AM I BLEEDING SO DEEPLY
Why does it hurt so bad
I just don't understand any of this
I can't stop crying
I can't stop hurting
I cry out to my God to reach down to me
Yet I still weep
She says its a conscious choice
But I am not consciously choosing to hurt so fiercely
This grief has over taken me
And I am fighting so desperately
to just get away from this
To just survive another night
But I just can't stop crying
Damn fucking eyes won't stop
The pain just is so deep
And I don't know how to cope
They say every poet needs a cause.
We believed God introduced us
Was it so I can have a reason to write
Or so that I can feel a pain that I can help others by relating
But I just can't stop hurting
Damn fucking heart won't start
Just so stagnant
And I just don't know what to do to cope
They say there is no art without pain
But I think that's a lie
I wish it was a lie.
Doesn't seem to be a lie
How can I expell all this toxin called sorrow
When sorrow is what I mostly know
I want to be happy!
Not trapped a partner unto sorrow
You once promised me that you'd follow me into the dark
Well here I am..... Where are you?

One Week

I've been crying more than usual lately
Maybe it's because I realized
I've orbited the earth nearly 23 times
Yet only lived for 7 days of it.
You tell me not to cry
But I only feel alive when you are near me
or when I'm crying.
I sobbed so heavily I worried I'd wake up the kids
I wept so fiercely I thought the keyboard would spark
for one week, I was in love, and someone loved me
Then somehow it all disappeared.
Left me a little more damaged than before.
I thought it impossible, but hey....
It was only a week.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Glass Box Symmetry

"Glass Box Symmetry"

 
Today I wrote to you.
You wrote back
It was like for a moment there was hope
A glimpse from the edge of darkness
Then that old familiar chill crept over my head
Crept over me, reminding me you are gone
Gone from my arms
Gone from my heart
I told you at the base of that water fall it was like you took my heart
And placed it into a glass box, filled with light
It was so glorious that day and night
"But no. no. no. NO! NOT LIKE THIS
WHY LIKE THIS
WHY!? What did I do!?"
Panic swept over me that night
I dry heaved
And my organs retched as I laid there
Longest 4 hours of my life, were the ones I tried to sleep
The night before you left me.
The night before that box you put my heart in
Was left on a shelf, well lit to be seen at a far off
I miss you, but maybe I just missed the point instead
See the point of being "in love"
is to strive to "stay in love"
Not jump ship.
We made promises
We shared strong words
To strive to an end
To strive to live
To be happy
For Love
And All I got was this glass box that became my prison.
I miss that connection to belong to someone
Now I am captive in this prison
Suffocating for someone to hold me
For someone to see who I am
and stick around
And say "You are beautiful. I want you. To keep you."
Yeah I'm a man, but most men won't tell you is we want that.
We want to be loved, we want to be adored. to be needed and wanted.
So fuck masculinity. I want someone beautiful to say that I am as well
To look at my soul and all, and be filled with adoration
Inspiration. But is it too much. Too much. Too much.
But maybe more than anything I want someone to say it and prove it
That "I Love you".

Silence

"Silence"
This pain is different. It's new.
In the past I could open up
I could tell everyone what's going on
Now I don't want to.
It's like a dull blade that's been heated
As it cuts into my heart
A slow digging burning sensation
At the base of my heart
I don't want to feel this way
Just get's old.
Telling people what's wrong.
I'd rather not say anything
Instead, I'd rather have someone just sit with me
Maybe I could cry.
Sob for a while, then someone crack a joke.
Yeah that would be nice
It'd be nice to have happen.
But I feel so alone here
So alone
So without home
I feel without heart
Without purpose
It tends to be this way
Every-time I try and get on track
It's difficult to live like this.
With this dull burning blade
Digging its way through my heart
Ripping the flesh
No I don't want to talk about it.
I just... don't
Want to talk
Not anymore.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Not a poem this time.

.....Not a poem this time....
I figured, I'm gonna talk less with verbal speech and try to resort to only typing things. I'm full of strong words but they seem dramatically lessened with the amount I open my mouth.
I recently lost something dear to me. But was it the connection
Or was it the miss judgement of me trusting someone with my heart so fervently
Only time will tell right?
Who knows?
As it were. I've been in this strange place lately. Of self improvement. and internal conflict. twisting and writhing at battle with my demons.
Let's call him "H"
This guy tends to want things, things I shouldn't want. and well H, is very opinionated.
some say they have demons, mine have names.
Nothing is more frustrating then being at continual battle. See I wanna fall in love.
.......Be in love.....
...........................LOVE and be LOVED
Is that too much to ask for. It almost doesn't matter who it is. i just am dying to have it
DYING
AM I DYING!?
Man what a mess. my thoughts seem to be all over the place.
Well look at you trying to be all proper and saving face
Me!? TRYING TO SAVE FACE!?
I can hardly look at my self in the mirror
How am I to save face now!?
With all that is lost? all that is gone
Regardless. My artistic sides are clashing with my analytical mind.
ITS LIKE IM TRAPPED
IN THIS BODY
MADE OF RAW EXPOSED NErVES
Do you even know what it's like to be a computer trapped in an Artist's body?
Do you know what its like to be starving for affection
Your mind continually is judging, rationalizing, quantifying everything?!
It's like a bad joke,
And the punch line didn't even sound funny to the guy telling it!
Exactly it's like I'm suffocating within myself!

Suffocating... dying. It's not even the beginning of all of it.
It's truly a separation of self and consciousness
You understand they are going to have a headache reading this right?
If they made it this far maybe they realized
the different positioning represents tone?
Well aren't you just cheeky and insightful?
Anyways, enough arguing with myself
You really think that'll ever happen?
Heh, we have a higher chance of finding true love
Anyway...... this is my mind
As chaotic as it may seem
Judge as you will
But know that we don't care.
Nor will I ever censor for your sensibilities!
Catch ya around.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Broken Things



Broken Things

a song for Victoria:


Let me show you the Broken things
Let me give you these broken wings
Let Trace lines in the sand
As our fingers hold each other’s hands

I’ve fought and I’ve tried
to have courage on the inside
And I’ve longed for a long time
And I have written so many lines

Let me show you these broken things
Let me give you these broken wings
Let’s trace lines in the sand
As our fingers hold each other’s hands

There is something inside this man
That just wants to hold your hand
To see you smiling every day
And girl I just don’t know what just to say
 Let me show you these broken things
Let me give you these broken wings
Let’s trace lines in the sand
As our fingers hold each other’s hands

Let me give these broken things
Let me give you my broken wings
Like tracing lines in the sand
Like the veins in our hands

Let me give you these broken things
Let me give you my broken wings
Like tracings lines in the sand
Let me show you why I am this man

 
I’ve been waiting my whole life
For you to be my wife
Don’t you know I want to trace lines in the sand

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

This Is My Heart

This Is My Heart

My heart is being quaint
My head is being shrunk to view
the things inside of me towards you
Of how this life has been led to
These songs I sing, and what I do

The equivelance of this has lead me to believe
That it is destined you to me.
You see, to me, you are everything a woman could be
Amazing. Beautiful, Majestic and much more
To infinity and beyond, yet seems to be more
More than yesterday, more than even today
As if it was preordained of the centuries
And brought for to this day

My darling, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen
No one to me has such a face
such a look such eyes that captivate my very soul
no one is your equal, no, not one.



Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Credentials Please

CREDENTIALS  PLEASE

 by: H G S

Was it the way the lake reflected the night air
That caused my mind to be intoxicated
Or was it the way the sun seemed to hit your eyes
That made me think of a nebula in space
Glorious and from the heavens even
Or was it how around you crowds seemed to vanish
As if we were alone in a room far away from any civilization
All I know is the incredible amount of peace and beauty in your face
My sense seemed heightened around you
My brain sped up and my world slowed down
I truly didn't know what to do.
What? This is possible? This concept that's renowned
Romance. True love.
Those fairy tale stories given to us
The thing that everyone knows of
And how it seemed sent from above
Doesn't seem real,
All these things, as if out of reality, these things I feel.
As in that moment, and to the future I hope the day I will continue to seize
As asked by an official, I must check reality by saying, Credentials Please.

To Those Who Wish To Stay

WELCOME

HOME

This is my mind, This is my world. You are welcome, to stay, rent a space.

It's different than other places, and I hope to spill out my thoughts, and soul from time to time on this blog, as well as posting random tid-bits.

Until then, I will leave you with a few words.

If at all possible do not allow you to defeat yourself
Others may triumph over you, beat you, make you bleed
But never allow yourself to defeat what little strength you have
For that is all you have left.